When you spend almost all your savings (including deposit and major withdraw from parents’ bank accounts) to order a glitchy white limo, beautiful ivory dress, going head-over-heels while matching the dress with accessories, spending almost a week in search of a perfect bouquet, booking cozy restaurant with a summer terrace on dim lights, and sending invitations for around 200 people,
…you certainly don’t think about this all going down the tube after 2,5 years (in some cases in less than one year)…
So, what does it take to save a marriage? Given that you too declared your love to each other many years ago, in front of all your family, looking each other into the eyes, and being overwhelmed with happiness.
Are you two the same people now? Or has something changed?
How Do I Save My Marriage from Divorce?
If you’re already going through the divorce process and want to save the marriage, nevertheless, it’s probably the second party who is more determined about ending this relationship (your husband).
In this case, the question is not about how, but about why do you want a reboot of this relationship. What is it there that holds you?
In many cases, women strive to salvage their marriages due to the reasons that do not correlate with their true inner desires. Because, putting it simple, they already have been stewing in negative feelings for a long time, and they know they need a pause. But when divorce is arising at the horizon, they suddenly feel insecure and decide to put everything on hold.
In this situation, it’s vital to make it clear: do you want to save your marriage because you truly love this person and see the future with him, or because you have the “second-thought” reasons, like fear of staying alone, emotional attachment, social issues, etc.
Can My Marriage be Saved?
Once you’ve clarified your motives (the most easy and fast way to do this is by turning to a professional psychologist), and are sure it’s worth a try, you can proceed to action.
Depending on the stage of your breakup, I assume you might be in a place where your communication has reached the silence stage. You and your partner may be filled with negative emotions and now choose to avoid conversations at all.
You cannot guess what’s on his mind: however, if you are still together, or took a pause, of course, there is a way to turn things back.
How to save your marriage: 1. Take some time to turn inward
It may sound harsh at first, but taking a pause in your relationship can actually turn out to be a useful time for you. You have to keep in your mind a thought that if you aren’t complete by yourself (and by this I mean happy with yourself and your style of life), then there is probably no way back.
You can’t burden your partner with the responsibility of making you happy. Once you understand what you want and why do you want it, you may feel like this marriage is indeed over, and you have more meaningful things ahead waiting for you.
What you have to realize is that sometimes marriages turn into empty bowls. It means not you nor your partner can take anything out of it anymore, because for some reason, your way should split at this point.
It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, of course not. Nor is your partner. It’s just that you won’t receive any new meaningful experiences together. Either you change or go.
Sometimes, in order for one partner to change, there should be some time spared. Start with turning inward.
How to save your marriage: 2. Drop guesswork
If you’re teared apart by the desire to think about your partner’s behavior, trying to understand his actions, it’s absolutely normal.
But it’s a weak move.
When you don’t know something, it’s better to leave everything where it is.
Why? Because you don’t know what’s on another person’s mind. Besides, what your husband says right now doesn’t translate what he really feels. He’s probably in one of the toughest periods in his life.
When you’re assuming, you do nothing more than a harm to yourself. Depending on your imagination, you can end up picturing him with another woman (while it’s not always the case).
Instead of weighting rationally, you let your emotions swell you, while in this period, you need nothing more than a cold mind.
How to save your marriage: 3. Don’t let others get in the way
Divorce is about two people. It’s about you and your husband. If you let someone else interfere, you insult your relationship and weaken them.
You’ve heard it well: your mom, your brother, best friend, colleagues — no one has anything to do with you and your life. The temptation is overwhelming though.
You have to draw a line between support and meddling into your life. People who are around us have a huge influence on our decisions, more than we can imagine.
When you’re on the verge of a breakup, there are usually many of those ready to “contribute” to make it easier for you. Some of them will do it purposefully, like your parents, who will be there for you. But there are gonna be a lot of those who will just say anything. Say and then think. Because opening mouths is often much easier than keeping silent.
But every experience is different. What your colleague has gone through with her divorce has nothing to do with your case. Make yourself a favor: isolate and talk only to a psychologist.
How to save your marriage: 4. Dig the memory for the good
Our mind is like water: a little stone (your thought) thrown on its surface generates a circular wave. If you generate positive thoughts, you’ll notice how after time your perspective is changing.
Our mind tends to hold within only good memories and erase painful ones. However, it usually pushes them towards the surface after some time has passed. At first, everything good is tramped under the layer of painful memories, resentment and frustration.
If you want to save your marriage, you have to start cherishing good memories. Yes, certainly, there are things that let the thought about divorce appear at the corner of your conscious mind. Maybe at first, you tried to come up with the healthy way out, but finally understood that divorce is the only solution.
If you want to salvage your relationship or reunite with your husband later, you need to throw away all the bad things that come to your mind. Don’t articulate offensive words in your head. It doesn’t do any good for you.
Even if later, after this stage has passed, you’ll decide to break up, nevertheless, stop thinking bad about people will contribute to your recovery.
How to save your marriage: 4. Talk
Sometimes one honest talk can turn things upside down.
You don’t need to prepare in advance for it: serving a special dinner, putting on your best dress, etc. A simple talk may happen anywhere, you just have to show that you’ve opened to it.
When two people decide to finish their relationship, they both admit that they have failed. It’s a fiasco; it hits self-esteem greatly: some enclose in their “shells”, others speak up, and the rest find peace in alcohol or other substances.
In this situation, both partners remind me of hedgehogs. A simple, well-intentioned conversation can change the world. Especially when partners hide their feelings and fear talking about them.
Be the one who suggests sit & talk.
How to save your marriage: 5. Listen
Sometimes listening to other people is quite useful.
Finding someone who can listen to what’s important to you, spare some time to comprehend you is like a grasp of fresh air. Be this person. Be the one who listens. At least for a while.
Yes, times are changing. No one is saying you have to be stuck in the past. But remaining a human-being means saving the ability to put yourself in other people’s shoes, think about the needs of others, and not only yours (a perfect balance is to keep your needs satisfied FIRST and take into consideration others’).
Try to listen to your husband in this conversation. Absorb his words and process them, not just hear. You’ll be surprised by how much you’ve missed before.
Don’t develop arguments in your mind: it makes you stop listening. Just listen to everything from the first words to the last. You’ll be surprised to conclude in your head that your husband is right regarding many points. But it won’t be like forced acceptance, it will be logical, natural, and it will happen only because you’ve shut your ego. For a while.
Can One Person Save a Marriage?
Yes, in fact, by making a first step, one person can heal relationships. However, in order to succeed, you must go through all 5 points, starting with understanding your real motives. They all sound very simple, but in reality, they all take much time, strength, and work to go through.
In fact, there are many types of relationships, and each requires deeper attention. If you’re at the point in your life when you’re searching for a way to save your marriage, I would recommend turning to a professional psychologist. If your husband/wife is not against redemption, then you two should consider professional treatment.
“Is There a Way for How to Save My Marriage after an Infidelity?”
Yes, many clients ask this question. Any marriage can be saved, given there is at least one who doesn’t give up. Marriages get broken when two people refuse to fight for it.
There is one but. If the second partner goes on living as nothing happens and doesn’t pay any attention to the relationship problems, the first partner will give up sooner or later.
When I see couples divorce after an affair, it’s not because of cheating itself, but because the betrayed spouse renounces. They can do things to redefine marriage at first, but when they see that their spouses are not upfront with them about what happened, they lose belief.
However, if two partners are heading towards healing their relationship, regaining trust with a little bit of help, they will probably overcome major setbacks on the way.
Below are some of the well-known couples who survived infidelity and chose to stay together.
How to save a marriage when only one is trying
The main reason why one of the spouses wants to step out of wedlock is that they claim they fell out of love.
But people don’t fall out of love all of a sudden.
It’s much simpler than you might think: love is not a feeling. It’s a state, which two people reach when they stay together through obstacles and wish to work on their relationships. Love is a much more meaningful state than some feeling. It doesn’t happen right away; it takes time to develop it.
Therefore, falling out of love after many years means only one thing: one of you let things go as they are.
So, when I see one person trying to repair a damaged relationship while the other doesn’t give it a shit, I always know it’s a matter of time. Sooner or later, the “fighter” gives up, unless the second party involves in the process.
Frequently Asked Questions and Short Answers
– How to save your marriage when you feel hopeless?
Maybe, if you feel hopeless, then it’s not worth it?
Feeling hopeless is ok until it ruins your life. If you feel like you’re the one “in the boat”, paddling against the current, and no one is there with you, why are you still doing it?
Take some time and think about it.
– How to stop divorce and save your marriage?
The tips that I’ve provided in this article will help you if you’re sure you need it. If you go through the very one, you’ll either come to the healing process that will reinforce your feelings and rebuild your relationship or you’ll end up opening a new page of your life.
– How do you save a struggling marriage?
A “struggling” marriage, as you put it is probably the one where you are constantly experiencing negative emotions.
Every marriage reaches the point where it must overcome difficulties. But, if it turns out to be a “draw-down” story, then it’s time to take action. Search for a good therapist, even if your partner is not in awe of it.
– How do you know if you can’t save your marriage?
Start thinking about yourself. It is the only way. If you feel bad for a long time, what is there that keeps you in this damaged relationship? It’s like sitting in a house with your roof leaking, the door broken and waiting for the rain to stop pouring down.
– Can I save my marriage if my husband doesn’t want to?
If your husband has expressed his desire, then you have no right to force him. Leave him alone with his thoughts.
– Does separation work to save a marriage?
Yes, in some cases, a pause can help people to clear their minds. After some time is passed, partners can better understand their desires.